DEATH.NOTE

Friday, November 18, 2005

“I caught my dad cheating on my mum”

Anna, 21, used to think her family was perfect-until she found out her father was lying to her. Here she explains how she’s dealing with her dad’s infidelity.

I’ll never saw two people closer than my parents were when I was younger. They held hands, took naps on the couch together, and went on Saturday night dates. Almost every day my dad would call my mum from work just to say hi. Then he’d call again on his way home, so we could all plan to have dinner together. Things just seemed perfect back then-but they say, nothing lasts forever.

A family secret

When I was 12, my family moved from upstate New York to Maryland, where things are a lot more expensive. My mom had to get a job, so she became a hotel manager and had to work past midnight every day, even on weekends. Since my mom was home a lot less, my dad decided to join a bowling league. At first it sounded like a great plan.

But then my dad, who was supposed to have just Wednesday night games, started spending three nights a week out with his friends- and I started to miss him. And my mom, who still got home later than my dad, began sleeping in the guest room so wouldn’t wake him. I definitely though my parents were being weird-but I was too embarrassed to ask about it. Then things started getting even stranger.

On night when I was 14, my boyfriend, Dale, and I were in my family room when my dad came in. “I’m running out,” he quickly said-and left. We were shocked! Sure my dad was spending more time out of the house, but he never left me along with guys. At first I thought that he was just starting to trust me more. But then one night a few weeks later he said he needed to go to the store, and left Dale and me alone again. About 15 minutes later Dale had to leave too, and happened to drive past my dad-who wasn’t at the store. Instead, he was around the corner from my house, on a pay phone!

Although I really wouldn’t let myself believe it, I was suddenly terrified that my dad was lying about where he was going all the time. So a few nights later, when my dad said he had to go to the store again, I pretended I had to go too. As we aimlessly wandered around Wal-Mart, it became obvious to me that neither of us needed to be there, but I just couldn’t bring myself to say anything. Finally we left-and as my dad pulled up in front of our house, he asked me to get out since he needed “to go get gas.” I quickly glanced at the dashboard-and noticed that the tank was almost full. I was speechless. I just really couldn’t believe that my father was lying to me. And I couldn’t help but think that maybe he was doing it because he was cheating on my mom.

The truth hurts

For about a year I was too scared to really admit to myself-or my mom-what I was thinking. But one day when I was 16, I was alone with my mom looking through old photos and I couldn’t deny any longer just how much our family had changed. I blurted out what had happened at Wal-Mart the year before-and that I was afraid my dad was cheating. Maybe my mom didn’t want to upset me any more than I already was, but somehow she stayed really clam and told me she’d actually been worrying about the same thing. We weren’t sure what to do next.

But then just one week later, this man came into my mom’s office. He had photos of his wife on vacation-with my dad. My mom stormed out of work, even though she had six hours left on her shift. She barged into the house-this time she was sobbing-and told me everything. Then she picked up the phone and dialed my dad’s work number. “I know!” she screamed-and slammed it down.

About half hour later my dad rushed into the house, sweating and crying. My mom couldn’t even speak, she was sobbing so hard. “How could you do this to us?!” I yelled at him. He was searching for words and all he could say was, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” My parents eventually went into their room, where I finally heard my mom scream, “Get out!” Minutes later my dad came out with a few bags. “Mom thinks it’s a good idea for me to leave,” he said. “Good!” I yelled. “I think you need to!” He was in tears, so all he could really do was to nod. It made me so upset to see my mom so distraught-I just didn’t want him to hurt her anymore.

Looking ahead

The same night my dad left, he called my mom, and they talked for hours. Believe it or not, she actually spent night after night on the phone with him-and even agreed to give him a second chance! But I still refused to talk to him. He’d try to call and speak to me, but whenever I’d see his number on the Caller ID, I wouldn’t answer. The whole thing made me so furious! My father had lied and cheated-and now my mom was forgiving him just like that?!

After about four months, my mom let my father move back home. At first I was still so angry I tried to ignore him. But he kept trying to talk to me-he’d say he knew he’s made a mistake and he was so sorry. Gradually it began sinking in that my dad wasn’t evil-he was just human. Somewhere along the way, my family had grown apart, and this was how he had reacted. Of course I wish he’d never cheated, but as odd as it may sound, it was his affair that ended up bringing us back together. Almost losing our family forced us to realize how important it actually was-and made us value it.

Today I feel lucky that my parents learned to make their relationship work again, and I’m glad that they got back together. But it’s still hard to get over some lingering effects of my dad’s cheating, like my fear that what happened to my mom could also happen to me. Even when I meet up great guys, I’m scared to let our relationship develop. I mean, why should I deserve any better than my mom?

But when I start to worry like that, I try to remember just how much respect I have for my parents and how much they’ve worked through their tough times. It reminds me that even if I struggle now and again, I know I can make it.

His Story

Anna’s father, Frank, 52, shares his regret.

Reliving this indiscretion and sharing it with others is hard, but it’s part of our lives and can’t be changed. I hurt and disappointed the two people I love more than anything, and I will carry that regret and sorrow for the rest of my life. Fortunately, they love me, and after working together, we are a happy family once again-perhaps even a little stronger and more appreciative of one another. I’m very proud of my wife and daughter and their loving hearts.

DEATH.PEN 9:54 PM